WHEN LOVE WAS BORN
ON A HEAVENLY LINE
WHEN MAGIC HAPPENS
A BABY COMES TO LIFE
This is the story of a baby boy named Orion Phoenix.
He is a precious one, a warrior from day one.
Making his name of value and rising from his own ashes day by day….
This is the story of my labor, letting life pass through me, to have my boy born to this world on a late summer August night.
This is a personal story, a story of transformation and mostly a story of LIFE, as it happens, unexpected and not at all planned out.
I meant to write this for myself, for him and for the universe to hear.
I need to let it out to process and to gift it to my son who deserves to know what it means for me to have witnessed his personal start of his own life.
I would say this story, this birth was a big lesson of SURRENDER TO LIFE!
As a prenatal yoga teacher, spiritual seeker and natural Visionaire I embodied this pregnancy with all my cells.
I sang mantras every day, I practiced my squats and yoga moves for open heart and hips, I nourished my body with only good things, I enjoyed the sunlight and the moonshine, I took baths with rose and herbal leaves. I took care of baby and me and I loved & got loved. But not only this, I also made my mood board ready, had my crystals selected, my birth playlist on replay mood and my hypnosis from orgasmic birth training as a lullaby for every calming night.
I can proudly say I was the pregnant goddess I wished to be and had my vision of natural birth to the max clearly set in mind.
BUT THEN….LIFE HAPPENS!
When the due date approached and the baby was not ready to be born, so we had to do the official last echography.
Surprise: The baby was supposed to be a well fed happy one and seemed to be a bit over 4kg on the screen…
We had to laugh but also cry…because unfortunately already in the womb it starts..the pressure of fitting into some “norms” of size!
Because of the 23 grams “overweight” (4,023kg), we got banned from the birthing house where we planned to birth our baby son.
Last minute adjustment and big acceptance to birth now in the hospital.
The path I refused to go was the one I had to take…
But I knew inside of me, with an early motherly instinct: THIS ALL MUST HAPPEN FOR A REASON!!
On the 23 of August, I got my first consultation at the hospital.
I remember sitting in their waiting room and I could not stop but only cry! I was just sad and honestly a bit arrogant about it. All I could see was negativity. In comparison to the warm homey birth house atmosphere, I felt it is all so impersonal, funny enough- not clean, not familiar and just not what I ever wanted to feel.
I felt as if a part of me had to die and I had a hard time to see the reason why.
I felt alone and left out, it all seemed unfair and unkind.
The midwife, fortunately, was very kind and made me see it all in a bit more of a brighter light.
With a sweep, I went home and started to feel some unusual cramps that I never felt before.
I was very, very tired that night and took a bath to calm down and reenergize.
Reading a poem from Kahlil Gibran on Children and realizing once again, whatever happens: THIS IS MY BABYS JOURNEY COMING TO LIFE, HE CHOOSES HOW AND WHEN AND WHY. THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS GIVE MY BEST TO SUPPORT AND OPEN UP.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
The night passed and I felt the cramps got stronger and stronger. I knew this is ain’t no cramping, this is the start of a real long night….
Trying to not be too alarmed about it, I slept as good as I could until 12.30 midnight until I just could not hold it any longer to keep it just for myself.
As of then, my dear husband was on the watch…checking the time between each contraction passed.
They came already every 5 minutes and got stronger and stronger.
I would not really believe it at first but after a while, I told Christopher: I may out of prevention, pack my bag…So I did, in between each contraction, I would pack one item.
Until they got so strong that I definitely could not focus anymore if gluten free cracker or spelt, if long shirt or short. But somehow I got it all right.
We wanted to do as much “work” as possible at home- so we stayed home until 7 am.
Oh, but did we have no idea……
After prenatal class rules, you usually leave to your birth place when you have the strong constant contractions that come to you every 5 min for at least 2 hours…
Because I already did have those for 7 hours, we were sure I must be almost there and it was time to go..
Now it seems funny but it definitely was not, when arriving at the emergency of the maternity to find out that I was not even started to be dilated.
“Thinning out” was the result I got!!! “Oh gosh”, I thought, this will be a long, long journey to go.
Hospital wise they have to check you every 2 hours to see how much you process…Lucky I made it a good finger open after 4 hours in the emergency transition room.
After that, I could happily have the Natura Room, of which they only got two.
Going there, I remember being still conscious enough to see their painted walls of rainbows. I was happy to have seen them and even had the force to mention it. It assured me, that at least there were rainbows….so it can’t go too wrong.
In the labor room, I got welcomed by our midwife, who is, when reflecting back, for sure an angel that has fallen on this earth. She was kind, calm and grounding all at once. Plus she spoke English with no doubts, which made it so much easier than screaming it all in French…
There we were, the 4 of us, the midwife, my husband Christopher aka my doula, the baby in my womb and myself.
She left us working all alone most of the time until things got more active.
After 4 hours between rainbows and trees, I was 4 cm dilated which was right on their schedule…
But then 2 hours later, I was still 4cm, which meant I was delayed in their normal protocol..I had the choice of speeding up things by oxytocin or popping the water bag…I chose for option number two and mad that water flow…
From there things speed up one hour at a time, 6 cm, 8 cm, 10 cm -fully dilated.
The endorphin really kicked in and I felt like I had sleeping breaks of 2 hours after each contraction, which in reality were just 3-5 minutes apart.
I took out my yogi breath techniques, I let the mantras sooth me as a background track, I was just purely in my element of letting it all happen, opening up to what must have seemed as pain but at the end, it was pure energy, pure life coming down on me!
I never felt anything alike and I had a moment where I thought this will make me die.
It was in those thin lines between beauty and cruelty. But the only thing I know for sure reflecting back on this, is, that the more you let it happen and let it flow, the more your body gets to do what it needs and knows to do. There is nothing you can do to be prepared for all of this. It is what it is. It is unique and it is the worst and most beautiful thing I could ever feel in one go.
It is a real transformation of soul and body in every single way of life and love.
A tease of crowning and again he, which we did not know by then if boy or girl, pulled back.
I found my voice in all that hours back again. Loud and deep as never before in my entire life I called him out.
Coconut water and lavender spray after each single push to the goal of life.
And then the moment came where he would flush out,
A feeling I can honestly not describe, even if I would try.
THIS IS THE REAL AND ONLY MAGIC
THIS IS WHERE YOU JUST FORGET
THIS IS LOVE
THIS IS LIFE
THIS IS CRYING FOR THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT OF MY LIFE
THIS IS THE DAY MY SON WAS BORN
THIS IS THE MOMENT I BECAME A MOM
THIS IS THE SECOND I LET MY BODY DO A MIRACLE
THIS IS THE BLISS OF BEING A WARRIOR
A WARRIOR WITH HIM, MY SON,
WE MADE IT,
I OPENED UP THAT DOOR
AND HE, MY BEAUTIFUL ORION PHOENIX WITH ALL HIS FORCE PASSED THROUGH THAT DOOR
AND MADE THAT TIME, THAT HOUR, THAT MINUTE AND THAT SECOND HIS ONGOING MOMENT OF HIS PERSONAL BIRTH-DAY.
HAPPY BIRTHING DAY.
YOU ARE BORN & I AM TRANSFORMED
FOREVER WE ARE CONNECTED!
The moments after my dear son got an infection and we had a challenging, difficult first week.
But I know it all has its reasons and I know it made us stronger than we would ever be.
I could be in an ongoing grief now for how things did not happen as I wished them to be. But I decided for the opposite. This is a Lesson and teaching of life as it goes. Just let it happen, just welcome all it has to offer and knowing that is right for you and helping you to grow. At the end of the day, it is all about perception and we try to see it from the bright side…
This is for you Orion Phoenix,
I am your mom,
I am the woman that carried you for more than 9 months,
The moment you entered my womb I felt your beautiful male energy inside of me and I knew all along you would heal this world.
I am the woman that cared for you and talked to you, not knowing who you really are.
I am the woman you made me transform into.
I am the mom, the best mom, I try to always be for you.
I am full of joy, to get to know you day by day with every single tear and every single smile you offer me.
I am so grateful for all that you are and all that you become.
I am so very proud of all that you do.
I know, you had a difficult start, but I also know,
you chose this, to show us,
how strong you are,
how much you can fight,
how beautiful it is, to be alive,
you made us realize
how grateful we are to be with you,
how much we love you and adore you for who you are.
Dear Orion Phoenix,
I can only bow down to you.
Not even one month old and already teaching me the most important thing of life, which is simply:
LET IT HAPPEN!!
MAGIC IS HERE WHENEVER YOU WANT!
YOU CAN NOT PLAN IT
NEITHER CONTROL IT
LET US BREATH AND JUST BE!
IT IS SIMPLE AS THAT:
YOU ARE MY LIFE GURU
YOU ARE MY LIGHT
I LOVE YOU SO !